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April 2010
Fri, Apr. 16th, 2010 06:49 pm

her breasts? I don't remember her breasts. I try not to. their lives seem impossibly charmed. missteps that seemed hazy indefinite coloring-outside-the-lines now have that same impossible weight.

so what keeps it together, what moves it for you, where's your why? day by day... eh. if I could take it day by day, if the days ever stopped coming.

I'm still holding on for something. I must be. I look out and say how do I make something of myself, I'm willing to start in the smallest amount.

I want to hurt someone like I hurt myself. someday...


Tue, Mar. 9th, 2010 08:50 pm

I've planned it out. It's all kind of sick. I should have taken Computational Theory and Pattern Recognition instead of the two computer vision classes. I probably wouldn't have felt as isolated as I did trying to get into an unfamiliar research field like computer vision. But I did reveal my weakness to myself. And I have continued to. It's not like finding how weak I am will make me strong. I could have gotten by as weak as I was and thrived in a way. Now I would say I have a 51% chance of suicide, 49% chance of getting a job. There really is no other way to look at it. I can't continue this life, living here in the woods an economic cripple. Actually jail might be better than suicide. So change that 51% chance of jail? Then again I can think of nothing worse than just sitting there and thinking with nothing to do. Such a fuck up. Everyday while doing work I need to do to get a job I have a breakdown and am filled with doubt and get sick to my stomach and have a headache and think "I want to die". Then I seek out some social cure but I don't really have anyone directly to talk to and I'm not sure what I would say other than whining. I need an immediate solution and there is none. I need a goddamn job where I can go to some physical location everyday and just be there and do the damn thing. Until than I am useless and don't deserve to exist.


Fri, Feb. 5th, 2010 09:10 pm

dear messhead,

this is for you. I know where I'll be tonight. hear me out. how are you? are you digging the apartment with caroline? is life delicious, and all those other things friends talk about because I would still very much like to be your friend. I refuse to watch a fellini movie without you! bruno is a great roomie and we are having a good time sharing our love of music and life together. so much bowie. bruno's gal emily is also really cool, you should meet her. we are decorating the outside of our apartment with chalk and spray paint, you should come by and add some stuff, it's fun. have you been to little five yet? you really need to soon, it's not going to be the same. a big development is being developmented right next to it. bike ride! come on! mike came down for the weekend. friday night I was puking, saturday he had the pleasure, oh man. saw jame's pad as well. see you can even be friends with people you don't like!! =0!! consider the following: be my friend again please... sorry this is stupid. I am stupid.


Thu, Jan. 21st, 2010 09:20 pm
sometimes I ask myself 'what have I done to deserve this?' and the answer is there immediately 'everything' in the language of the success I chose failure, it must be a decision, and I decided I wasn't going to do the things success necessitates. initially I believe I was choosing failure just to show up success when I came from behind and defeated expectations, my own even. eventually I abandoned every vision, I merely wanted to live with some small mastery of my locale in relative peace comfort etc, pastoral fantasy. I wanted to describe my work with my body not my mind. well this doesn't seem possible, all that training you know.

I'm in limbo. I can work hard physically. I'm not sure I can mentally. It's not the same you know. Some can do one not the other and so on, but more can do the physical these days right? Not sure.


Sun, Jan. 17th, 2010 06:59 pm

the lot opened and was alive. the light large rain was filling girls in black high heels with giddy energy. lines had formed at the mouths of the hook shaped strip mall. the ground slopped inwards towards my destination, a relatively quiet liquor store. dodging the headwinds of judgement from slicked black hair, dark brown spiked, tight graphic t-shirst, flowing button ups, shoes and watches and belts aligned. I wanted to say not to worry, it wasn't worry, not to spend a single thought on me, I would not try to intrude in what wasn't my place. I would like to sleep with your women, plump and spilling out of cars, leaning with drinks on each other dark purses dangling.

I bought a relatively classy bottle of liquor and gave into a two-for-one, a good deal actually. if I still lived here and was like what I was I would have been back frequently until supply ran out. but whatever joy in excessive consumption of liquor, the kind that makes you struggle to stand, yes brings even standing to a kind of triumph against the world, whatever joy I did not know, and did not really want at, not anything close to every day, at least. I myself joined in the happy hurried sprints in rain. I was very happy, but a moment of indecision at a stop sign where I almost hit another driver dashed my spirits. it was simple as that if I was going to allow myself to be from the outside controlled. I was and I was willing.


Sat, Jan. 16th, 2010 03:35 am

james sat in the soft sand rolling up first his left then right pant leg. the wind carried salt into his mouth and over his skin. the feeling was sharp and sticky, he would eventually become uncomfortable, but for now yes: air, sand, and water.

later as james was unloading cardboard boxes for money he thought about the beach fondly. he was going to ride his bike there tomorrow as well. james' work shift was divided into early mornings and evenings. he had a good 6 hour break between which he could fill as he pleased. since the labour was manual james did not have to spend that time learning or worry about anything except not getting hurt. james didn't have health insurance.

that seemed strange to james. his whole work was based on his body's well-being. an office worker would usually get a nice package. we are content for our world to not really make optimal sense james thought. we aren't going to change anything, we don't really know how anymore, the whole system is functioning as it is and we should be grateful and make what allowed changes we have. we can change things drastically but only along certain prescribed channels.

james wanted to fall in love and have his lover lay with him at the beach.


Thu, Jan. 14th, 2010 02:58 am

woke up against myself on the airplane. rather I was not on the airplane but I would be and my thoughts had put me at a kind of distance above the ground. I was on a couch gently resting head floating back. and I thought goddammit I did think this again (and then again and again, now the people have changed: I changed and it is a different girl)

"I want to ask you why are you with your boyfriend, what do you like about him? And why do I want to ask this, yes. I want to ask this because I would be with you. I thought we were drunken hookups (or on acid) and potential long term booty calls. I still want that, but you don't seem to need sex that much. Well dammit I will love you, I would be with you (ok I would cheat on you, and expect you to on me (obviously)). I could even marry you for a couple of years, but that's it I know. You could spend your life with this other guy. I will not lie to you. Nope, that would never happen with me. I can't see me ever being in such a long term thing."

I'm not even going to bother though. I do want to ask her what she likes about her boyfriend though. Not really to take notes, I'm just interested because he is chubby. I'm hot, mildly, but getting hotter. Yeah I do fuck you different then most guys, I'm one of your more athletic fucks and it's good dammit. So I don't see why you aren't letting me back in semi-regularly, but so it is, and you can't really tell me except you feel kind of bad cheating.

It is a definite thing though, when you realize you could spend a good chunk of time with someone. I think she's plain and comfortable and I do love her even if I judge her as you know not amazing, I don't need amazing. I need her and I need her right now. Maybe I'll have to settle for amazing someday, but dammit get in bed and let's fuck and get sweaty.


Tue, Dec. 15th, 2009 06:16 pm

we were touching pretty heavy
ha well a little making out on the beach but no
not sex on the beach, I have had sex on the beach
the petting well it was only 8th grade level, fumbling
ha so I wanted to know if I'd get some dick, you know
move on the foreplay wasn't working
'how much further ya gonna go' I said
'not much' he said
ha I know really who says that
like hey baby oh baby yeah I'm gonna stop
oh I'm gonna stop so hard, stop touching you girl
we said we were tired and he left
damn this city cannot fuck
oh that guy? I was drunk, don't really want to
fuck him again and see
no the men here can't fuck
the best I've had is natasha
she'll be downtown tonight!

I noticed a glimmer in her eye as she walked by. Lady I know that look. There was just the matter of our friend now and how to remove them. Our friend was a heavy cock block, I don't know why, but she just didn't want her friends having sex! So we dropped like flies leaving her to bite the waiting ride. We weren't going downtown but staying in. The friend needed her id for the dt and lady was giving her a ride before the ride. She asked if I'd be there when she got back. Deal. I decided to skip any hesitation and fumbling. She came in with a six pack which I guided to the fridge. Then I asked her if she wanted to fuck. I did.

3 hours later I fumbled with a bag of weed in the dark, unlocked the contents into a bowl. We lay in each other's sweat and talked about our simple lives.

your dick makes me feel powerless

I like the taste of your clit


Mon, Dec. 14th, 2009 03:04 pm

cities, road & vision. girl I was gonna get next to you. after all that road. I was gonna wipe so much sweat from my brow. like all that road. the tires slow grind, tube starts to show through, threads unravel. aren't we glad for money. that it even works as well as it does. unthinking or all our thinking collapsed together.

you read what I wrote and were interested then scared. I am scary but impossibly kind. but also unraveling, always unraveling since that last moment of naive stability. oh what I could have spoke! oh what I could have shewn you! because oh what I have seen that is more and more becoming lost. all that vision that pass with you, as you grow then sway and slow.

I will arrive wipe the sweat and stare around the lot. my whole heart will be bare cleaned comforting. we will lock recognize and look away. I will drink a cold beer. I will mount and leave, maybe I will do pushups down the road in a driveway for old times, meaningless configurations of things that have happened.


Sat, Dec. 12th, 2009 04:23 pm

no these are definitely powerful things. no your body is essentially a device of communication with other bodies. if you can't feel the own miracle of your face. if you can't gently slip into these boots of the night. I like it dark and cold or at least when the sky is gray the air chirps so constant, when each breath and stumble is a reminder, when each shiver is a small life or death. I move through these stray wet pockets of northern air.

I have to close my eyes. it is very overwhelming, I plant a tight and stretching rear in the wet grass and small dirts. oh until I wake up the next day, would that the hours themselves overwhelm and we move towards time happening less. we don't wait and are already there.

each car tells me go farther. every stretch of road beckons. the lines around things are highlights. I am so welcome for the basis of animal motion and human thought.